Recently the blog site Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Books (great name!) posted a link to Things I will Do If I Am Ever a Vampire, a list of 68 hilarious items for any wannabe vamp.
Here are the first three:
1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action.
They'll still be there when he is dead.
2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
It gets better with each entry. Okay some lines are funnier than others, but all have plenty of laughs to offer.
The list is attributed to the population of rec.arts.sf.written. I checked the group and it looks like most of the list was put together by Keith Morrison in 1998. Anyone know more about this?